Would you care to join me on a new journey? This is a journey of hope. A hope for tomorrow. A hope for new life.
We are once again assured of God’s providence in gifting us a new baby, a child that we so desperately want in our lives. A chance to try again and do things a little differently.
“This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us. And if we know that he hears us—whatever we ask—we know that we have what we asked of him.” 1 John 5:14-15
Too soon? Maybe for some. But it feels right for us. Waiting would have only prolonged the pain. Waiting would have forced me to fit back in my non-pregnant clothes, or buy a whole new wardrobe. Waiting would have been telling Little Monster as she asked daily that there is no more baby in my belly. Waiting would have added more time and distance between Little Miss and a new baby, making our loss more evident in our family make up. I am elated that after much prayer (and the green flag from the doctor), we conceived so quickly. That my body could bounce back so quickly to begin growing another tiny little human again.
Pregnancy after loss is a scary thing. For a while I thought of nothing but hope. But then fear started to take hold. I shook it off as best I could. Why is it any scarier than any other pregnancy? Because our innocence is lost. Now we know that anything can happen. We have lived it. We know the heart ache of loss. We know we are not immune to loss.
“I’ve had victories and I’ve had losses, and I’ve learned that it’s the losses that require us to be brave. So if anything will make us heroes…” King Arthur of Camelot “…It’s the never giving up, even after a loss.” Prince Charming/David (Once Upon A Time, Siege Perilous)
One of the differences in this pregnancy is that now I’m high risk. When you have a stillbirth for unknown reasons, your subsequent pregnancies will require more monitoring. It doesn’t mean I am less healthy than I was before. It doesn’t mean that I will have more medicalized care or labor, although I will likely be at the hospital this time. It simply means we will watch the baby grow more closely. We will run extra tests that we didn’t do before. I can’t change it, so I am trying to embrace this process as I learn more about it.
I have already had my first appointment with the high risk doctor – the doctor who performed my last ultrasound before Faith’s induction. We chose him because of his compassion. I was not disappointed with our decision as we sat face to face for 45 minutes going over my history in detail, my emotional well-being, and our plan for care this pregnancy. All the while, Littles Monster and Miss were bouncing around the exam room spreading graham cracker crumbs all over. They did not phase him in the least. He was very accommodating and when asked if I could have a viability ultrasound to relieve some anxiety, he helped me schedule it for first thing the next morning. Baby Skywalker is doing well and has a strong heartbeat! A little flickering dot.
This baby will never replace Baby Faith. She meant so much to our family. She changed us. Baby Skywalker will change us in a whole new way. That’s the gift of God. He knows each child by name. Each one is an individual. Regardless of how short the life, they have their own personalities and effect on us. It also doesn’t mean that I’m done grieving. Some wise older women have shown me that the grieving will never be completely done. You never forget. It just gets easier to live.
This will be a Christmas baby, born during the Advent season. How fitting. How amazing is God’s handiwork! We lost our forever baby during the Lenten season, a time when we reflect on the sacrifice of Christ and His love for us. We hope to welcome this new baby during Advent, a season of Hope, when we wait expectantly for the baby who came to save us all. The symbolism is not lost on me.
Please join me in prayer for a healthy pregnancy and a strong baby.
Father, protect this baby as it grows. Help it to grow strong and healthy. Nurture a heart of hope and love. Protect our family from the fears and anxieties that take hold. Help us to turn to You instead, to trust Your love for us. In Jesus’ name, Amen.
Are you ready to watch some growth?