First Stillbirthday: A Journey of Faith

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Carry you with Faith

I can’t believe it has been a year. I miss my baby Faith everyday. But everyday I see how she has changed our lives for the better and I’m so thankful. This whole week I have been remembering all the details from a year ago. From the realization I hadn’t felt movement, to the ultrasound that revealed there was no heartbeat. The long labor and delivery.

Nothing in life can prepare you for the feeling of helplessness as you wait for and will your body to do what it needs to do to to release this baby so you can begin healing. No one can tell you how heartbreaking it will be to hold your lifeless baby’s body. There’s no way to imagine how wholly you can be filled with sorrow. You can’t possibly imagine feeling despair and gratitude simultaneously.

IMG_20170205_131201746.jpgWe began the week with baby Skywalker’s baptism on Sunday. It was the perfect thing as we entered this memorial week. With Skywalker wrapped in baby Faith’s blanket, I listened to the pastor’s words and was reminded that ALL our children belong to God. I was reminded of the hope we have for our future. The hope we have in the resurrection. I keep coming back to Romans 8:28 – And all things work for the good of those who love God, who have been called according to his purpose (paraphrase).

As today approached, I thought we might do something special to commemorate Faith’s little life. Nothing seemed right though. So my plan became ordinary distraction.

The day started with a pig escape. Life on the farm just doesn’t stop for us to dwell on emotions. Life goes on, and so do we. Baby Back had pushed through his fence. He stayed inside the alley between pig pens. He knocked over the food barrels. Hubby came home and helped repair the fence.

I got the girls off to school and dropped food by a friend who is recovering from surgery. After a brief visit I headed home. I had planned to do some wood working, but it was too chilly in the morning to have a baby out there. I wasn’t motivated to do anything (I never made my coffee this morning!) so I watched TV for a little bit, then headed to the back for a walk in the woods.
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I wrapped Skywalker on my back, put a babywearing hoodie over us, and took my Bible, Faith’s blanket, and her ashes. We just meandered around back there, following a cow trail, checking fence lines, surveying the water level. Then I sat down for some reading. It was such a peaceful morning.
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I was reading Romans 8, then flipped to 2 Corinthians. Halfway through the book I checked the time and rushed back to pick up the girls from their little preschool. We went and got pig feed, filled up the gas tank, then came home to play and rest.

I thought it would be a good idea to make a cake for Faith’s birthday. I had an Alton Brown pound cake recipe I wanted to try, so we put on our aprons and mixed up the cake batter together. The girls licked the beater and bowl clean while I got it in the oven.

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The cake was done just before we went out for afternoon chores, and Hubby got home a little early! So we all had a warm piece of cake for a late afternoon snack. It was so good. We went out and did all the chores together. When I came back inside to start dinner, most of the cake was gone. The dogs really enjoyed it too!

This day of remembrance has been a good one. I didn’t know what to expect of the day, or my emotions. There were a few tears, but lots of laughter as well. As I count my blessings I have so much to be thankful for.

Happy birthday, Faith. Thank you for all you have given our family. See you in heaven someday.

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