Transparency: Aimee’s Story

Part One – God’s Love

Aimee means Loved. We never got to meet Baby Aimee, but her little life is challenging me to love and be loved more deeply than I could have imagined. I have been slowly working my way through Ann Voskamp’s The Broken Way with a lot of journal-ing and Bible study along the way. These are some of my reflections.

I talked in my last post about how I surrendered about the time Little Man got his fever in the middle of the night, while I was sick, and recovering from the D&C. It was a lonely night on the couch. But I realized I can’t do this without God. To try to get through this season on my own would be futile. I accepted that I am broken, that this is where I am in this season of my life. And how did I accept it? First, by talking to God, with a chip on my shoulder.

IMG_20180129_125245“Feelings are meant to be felt – and then given to God.”* What does it mean to give our feelings to God? It means being totally transparent. It means telling Him about your anger, your despair, your deepest desires. It means letting it all out. Write a letter to God. Let it flow. It’s humbling. “You are your truest self when you live with your heart as glass to God.” You don’t need to hide or stifle those feelings, even when you yourself don’t like them.

Webster defines identity as: sameness of essential or generic character in different instances. Identity comes from the Latin word idem, which literally means “same.” “It is your intimacy with Christ that gives you your identity” (emphasis mine). Your identity is who you are through all the changing circumstances of life. No matter the season. Your identity is all about intimacy – relationship – with God. How do we build relationships here on earth? By communicating with one another. By sharing our feelings with a friend. By being vulnerable. By accepting the love of another. How do you build intimacy with God? My guess is pretty much the same.

Everywhere I go people ask me how I’m doing. It’s a hard question, but one that always leaves me examining my well-being and my identity. Who am I today? Okay. Getting better. Physically healing. Still broken. Even the guy at the feed store asked me with a worried look if I was doing okay. “Sure,” I said. “The year has not started well for us.” Did he really want to hear how this season has been a whole lot of rain? But the sky breaks so the seed can break to break the ground to grow a garden of bountiful harvest. And it starts with a whole lot of breaking. To get to the harvest you have to be broken.

“What if speaking your most unspoken broken is what it takes to release a damned-up Niagara Falls of grace? … Grace is what holds you when everything’s breaking and falling apart, and whispers that everything is really falling together.” Be honest with myself, be honest with God, even when it hurts, so I can know my identity more deeply. Then I can face the rainstorm with a roof over my head, stego, because love bears all things. Surrender to God’s love. Surrender to God’s grace.

broken belovedI am broken, I am beloved.

Whatever you are taking to God, it doesn’t change the way He feels about you. Because regardless of your feelings today, how you feel about God right now, God’s feelings were first. He loved you first. That is our identity as Christians.

“Can I remember? I don’t have to fix things, I don’t have to deny things, I don’t have to pretend away things…. Could I feel okay being un-okay, trusting that Christ is always making a way?” Because that IS the promise. “God is faithful and will not let you be tested beyond your strength, but with the testing He will also provide the way out so that you may be able to endure it.” (1 Corinthians 10:13) What is the way out? His Love. His grace.

“He binds up the brokenhearted.” Isaiah 61:2

*All quotes from Ann Voskamp’s The Broken Way, unless otherwise noted.


When It Rains: Aimee’s Story


When it rains, it pours.

You all know the phrase: When it rains, it pours. When you feel like you just can’t take any more sadness, heartache, trying news, bad luck, illness, it just piles on higher. This is the rainy season of our lives. I keep hoping for a break in the storm that just won’t come. I had said to Hubby, “I really can’t take anymore.” And then more came raining down on us. How do you find your way through the rainy season of your life? When you feel abandoned, forgotten, alone, how do you push through to find the rainbow at the end of the storm? I can’t even imagine what might be next for us. I don’t dare ask anymore, “What else?”  Continue reading

The D&C: Aimee’s Story

They said a D&C was the best option at this gestational age. They said at 11 weeks the risk of bleeding with a natural miscarriage, or one induced by misoprostal, was high. They were especially concerned about bleeding at home because I had been on Lovanox shots again this pregnancy. They said going through labor and delivery, as I did with Baby Faith, could be very long because of how small Baby Aimee was. Everyone I talked to who had experienced miscarriages advised going for the D&C. So I did it. Continue reading


I Am Shaken: Aimee’s Story


“Aw, she’s sleeping.” “Wait, is there a heartbeat?” “Noooo, not again!” I uttered all this within about five seconds on December 22 as I lay in the ultrasound room, anxious to see the healthy, growing baby we had seen on screen three weeks earlier. She should have been 13 weeks, but her lifeless measurements showed her a small 11 weeks. Continue reading


Children’s Book Writing

My mom and I wrote a children’s book last year. The story is based on our personal experience with stillbirth. It tells the news of the loss in terms my then-three-year-old could understand. Our story explains that although it is a sad moment in time, we can still enjoy the life we’ve been given and be witnesses for God’s love in all circumstances. It is a very personal story. But there are so many others who are going through the same situation and I pray our story can help others find hope. Continue reading


First Stillbirthday: A Journey of Faith

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Carry you with Faith

I can’t believe it has been a year. I miss my baby Faith everyday. But everyday I see how she has changed our lives for the better and I’m so thankful. This whole week I have been remembering all the details from a year ago. From the realization I hadn’t felt movement, to the ultrasound that revealed there was no heartbeat. The long labor and delivery. Continue reading


Reminders of Faith


Carry you with Faith – photo courtesy of Uncle Patrick

I didn’t want Little Man’s pregnancy and life to forever be in Faith’s shadow, but she shaped who we are today. Little Man wouldn’t be here if not for Faith’s tiny life. This is beauty from the ashes.

There are times when I look down at him while nursing that I realize I never got to experience those tender moments with Faith. I will never know what it would have felt like to feed her. To watch her as she dozed off, satisfied in what I can offer. Continue reading


Navigating Pregnancy After Loss With Littles

Pregnancy after loss is hard. There are so many doubts and fears. So much pressure to do the right thing this time. Prenatal care is treated differently. While it is a joyful time of hope and anticipation, it is also a scary time because your innocence is lost. You know that anything can happen at any time, and it is completely out of your control. All you can do is pray.

But pregnancy after loss can be hard for your children too. Continue reading


Be a Supporter


October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month. Whether you know it or not, you know someone who is dealing with loss. The truth is, one in four pregnancies ends in loss. How can you be a supporter to a family who has been through such tragedy? Even if you’ve never walked through the valley, you can be there for someone else on their journey. Continue reading


Too Young to Understand?

I mentioned in yesterday’s post that my friend suffered another loss. Her fourth miscarriage. It upset me. It angered me. I mourned for my friend.

Little Monster had been playing in the living room, but she came in and saw me upset when I learned the news. She went back to playing. A little later she came back to check on me. She noticed my tears had stopped, asked if I was feeling better, and offered to help with dinner prep. Continue reading