My mom and I wrote a children’s book last year. The story is based on our personal experience with stillbirth. It tells the news of the loss in terms my then-three-year-old could understand. Our story explains that although it is a sad moment in time, we can still enjoy the life we’ve been given and be witnesses for God’s love in all circumstances. It is a very personal story. But there are so many others who are going through the same situation and I pray our story can help others find hope. Continue reading
I can’t believe it has been a year. I miss my baby Faith everyday. But everyday I see how she has changed our lives for the better and I’m so thankful. This whole week I have been remembering all the details from a year ago. From the realization I hadn’t felt movement, to the ultrasound that revealed there was no heartbeat. The long labor and delivery. Continue reading
I didn’t want Little Man’s pregnancy and life to forever be in Faith’s shadow, but she shaped who we are today. Little Man wouldn’t be here if not for Faith’s tiny life. This is beauty from the ashes.
There are times when I look down at him while nursing that I realize I never got to experience those tender moments with Faith. I will never know what it would have felt like to feed her. To watch her as she dozed off, satisfied in what I can offer. Continue reading
Pregnancy after loss is hard. There are so many doubts and fears. So much pressure to do the right thing this time. Prenatal care is treated differently. While it is a joyful time of hope and anticipation, it is also a scary time because your innocence is lost. You know that anything can happen at any time, and it is completely out of your control. All you can do is pray.
But pregnancy after loss can be hard for your children too. Continue reading
October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month. Whether you know it or not, you know someone who is dealing with loss. The truth is, one in four pregnancies ends in loss. How can you be a supporter to a family who has been through such tragedy? Even if you’ve never walked through the valley, you can be there for someone else on their journey. Continue reading
I mentioned in yesterday’s post that my friend suffered another loss. Her fourth miscarriage. It upset me. It angered me. I mourned for my friend.
Little Monster had been playing in the living room, but she came in and saw me upset when I learned the news. She went back to playing. A little later she came back to check on me. She noticed my tears had stopped, asked if I was feeling better, and offered to help with dinner prep. Continue reading
This song plays loudly every time I hear it.
When I first heard it a month ago it put me in tears, thinking of how our heart break six months ago was part of God’s Plan. There’s nothing we could do but say, Thy Will, knowing that His Plan is the best, even when it doesn’t feel like it at the time, even when we don’t understand it. Continue reading
Six months. Twenty six weeks. Half a year since we said goodbye to baby Faith. I have dealt with so many emotions in that time. Not having a reason of death was maybe the hardest thing for me to accept. And so I blamed myself. I dealt with the guilt. I forgave myself. I vowed to do better next time. Continue reading
My bedroom is a disaster. It is in exactly the same shape it was three months ago, in the wake of Faith’s death. At that point, friends and I were just trying to maintain the rest of the house and take care of our family, but the bedroom was my sanctuary. It is where I escaped to grieve. Now it is suffocating. I feel stuck. I don’t even know where to begin. But something has to happen.
Infertility. Miscarriage. Stillbirth.
Full hearts, empty wombs. Breaking hearts, empty arms.
No one ever told us the road to motherhood could be so challenging. Growing up, you sang the rhyme, ‘first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes the baby in the baby carriage.’ Easy peesy.
Except it’s not. Continue reading